to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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