there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
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She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
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At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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