My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
