Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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