after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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