Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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