I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
