Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
