i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
