He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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