Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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