you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
