If that was your dad, he is hot
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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