why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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