Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
