Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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