last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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