So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
