I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
