you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You are the jesus of drinking
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
