ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
