I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
