dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.