I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??