It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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