I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
