He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize