Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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