I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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