please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
