My hand turned me down
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When did angry sex become our thing?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
