you would pick up someone in the library
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
