I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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