why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
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You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize