He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
