i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
