Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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