I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.