My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.