My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
