I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
