the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
