How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's blow job season.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
