captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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