I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
