just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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