I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
