running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My vagina is very pro this idea
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
