I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
