So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
zippers are such a cool invention
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
