look no pants
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
