Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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