Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize