Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We were destined to go to rehab together
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
