if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
