Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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