I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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