you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Let's get the cat blown out
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
