Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
