Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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