If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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