This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
